Always I have seen around me all the games and parades of life

and have always envied the players and the marchers.

I watch the cards they play and feel in my belly the hollowness

as the big drums go by,

and I smile and shrug and say, Who needs games? Who wants parades?

The world seems to be masses of smiling people

who hug each other and sway back and forth in front of a fire

and sing old songs and laugh into each others faces,

all truth and trust.

And I kneel at the edge of the woods,

too far to feel the heat of the fire.

Everything seems to come to me in some kind of secondhand way

which I cannot describe.

Am I not meat and tears, bone and fears, just as they?

Yet when most deeply touched, I seem, too often, to respond with smirk or sneer,

another page in my immense catalog of remorses.

I seem forever on the edge of expressing the inexpressible,

touching what has never been touched,

but I cannot reach through the veil of apartness.

I am living without being truly alive.

I can love without loving.

When I am in the midst of friends, when there is laughter,

closeness, empathy, warmth,

sometimes I can look at myself from a little way off

and think that they do not really know who is with them there,

what strangness is there beside them, trying to be something else.

Once, just deep enough into the cup to be articulate about subjective things,

I tried to tell (my friend)Meyer all this.

I shall never forget the strange expression on his face.

“But we are all like that!” he said

“That’s the way it is. For everyone in the world. Didn’t you know?”

I tried to believe him.

But belief is a very difficult feat

when you crouch out here in the night,

too far from the fire to feel its heat,

too far from the people to hear the words of their songs

— John D. MacDonald,